RR Safe Place

The last few years I have realized how bad a job I have done at creating a safe place for my husband to share. I was reminded the other day when I slipped back into my old pattern of reading way to much into my husband’s comments.

I have this amazing husband that loves to teach Sunday School to young kids. After class on Saturday night, as we were walking out to the car, he said, ” You know, I could teach Sunday school every week.” My immediate reaction was, “Don’t you ever want to sit with me during church?”

My poor husband found himself back pedaling trying to explain that of course he liked sitting with me in church. All he was really trying to say was that he loves teaching kids. But through my filter of insecurity, I immediately questioned whether he loved me.

I am embarrassed to say that just a few years ago, because I was often overly sensitive to my husband’s comments, he essentially stopped talking to me. (more…)


RR V DAY – Video Day

Tomorrow, Melanie and I begin 3 days of  filming the women’s Awaken-Love Video Series.

We are excited to finally get rolling and hear the first,


Our desire is to let go of our notes and just TEACH like we have done so many times.

We are imperfect, unpolished, ordinary women that have submitted ourselves to being used by God and we are trusting that He is going to show up.


Will you please pray for us over the next 3 days?

Blessings, Ruth and Melanie

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Become ONE

oneThe other night in class we were talking about the reasons God created sex and I asked, “What does it mean when the Bible says God makes us into ONE?”

Silence filled the room until one woman began to share. She said, “The other night, my husband and I were in a disagreement, and then my husband starts making a  move on me. In the past, I would have just gotten mad, or brushed him to the side, but this time I made the choice to get on board. We had sex, and the amazing thing was that afterward, the disagreement didn’t seem like such a big deal. We were able to work through it, no problem.”

Matthew 19:5 –  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh

I used to think that when we got married and had sex, God made us into One – end of story.

I now realize that God makes us into One EVERY TIME that we have sex.


Side by Side

Sometimes sex is more about the connection than anything else.

We enjoy the pleasure – but we just want to feel so in tune with our husband or wife – that the connection takes precedence. We want to be in sync with our spouse – not one of us leading or one of us following.  No one is directing or even verbally communicating – but two  just moving as one.

Ephesians 5:21 – Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Side by Side is face to face intercourse while lying on your sides. There is no dominant role or passive role – just the interplay between the two. Movements become smaller and subtler and the intensity of stillness can make the power of connection much more obvious. Eyes lock, lips lock and skin meshes with skin. The dance of bodies pressing into and pushing back inter plays with the grasp for togetherness. Bodies stretch out, tense, arch and release as every sensation of the other is seen and felt.

The easiest way to get into the Side by Side position is to start with the wife on top straddling her husband. When she is ready, the wife can gently lay forward while stretching out her legs. Gradually, both roll to the side while holding each other. Once on their sides, legs come together and bodies outstretch. Pillows might be slid out of the way as the firmness of the mattress contrasts the soft flesh of your bodies.

Take your time, focus on each other and move as one.

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Amazing Stories

baggageThis year, the biggest change in the Awaken-Love class has been asking women to share their baggage and it has been AMAZING! Our stories are a testimony of how God works. We need to share our stories – even stories of how God has healed or forgiven us in our sex lives.

In class I used to be afraid to ask women to share their baggage, but I have decided the Awaken-Love study is not just about the women in the class. It is about every friend, relative or co-worker that their lives intersect with. Awaken-Love is one step in changing the whole culture of Christians and how they interact with others about sex. Christians ought to speak truth about sex everywhere they go – with their husband, with their kids, with their friends – even with non-believers. Sharing their stories of brokenness, how  God healed and redeemed them and the freedom that they now enjoy gives others hope that God is indeed a good, good God.

So during Week 3 of class, when we talk about Lies, Baggage and Body Image Issues, I ask everyone to bring at least one piece of baggage that they can share with the class. It can be a small carry on or a giant suitcase. We don’t share specific details, but in respectful general ways, we communicate our experiences, how they affected our marriage bed, and the steps to gain freedom.

I have been astounded by the response and humbled by the trust and support that these women show each other. Every class has responded by fully entering into the process of reflecting on what their past baggage is and sharing openly. I have heard everything from…

  • innocent child play or body discovery that lead to years of shame
  • not knowing how to say no
  • non-consensual acts that led to promiscuity spinning out of control
  • not holding the lines of purity before marriage
  • struggles with porn or erotica
  • strong church messages of purity that led to inhibition
  • messages of sex being about fulfilling a husband’s needs

Every woman seems to have something and what might seem like nothing to one women can be a huge deal to another. Sometimes it is not even what happened, but it is the over reaction of a loved one that leaves a huge impact.

As teachers, we try to discern if there are next steps that need to happen. Sometimes we ask if we can lay hands on a woman and pray for her. Sometimes we sense that she needs to claim this for herself by asking God right there and then for exactly what she wants as we gather around her in agreement. Sometimes we discern that a wife needs to share with a husband and pray with him or ask a husband to pray over her.

I have seen women return to class the next week with smiles on their face and burdens lifted. Women have shared that they went home that night to have amazing conversations with loving husbands.  Women have released things that they were not supposed to carry and they have found a taste of the freedom that God desires for them.

You know, I used to say that God can heal in an instant or it can be a process. But recently I have realized that God may not always heal. Sometimes we are left with a thorn in our side like Paul and we may struggle our entire life. That thorn does not have to define us, or control us, but it can lead to a greater dependence on Christ as we live out surrender on a daily basis. We don’t have to hide our thorn from our loved ones, but we bear it with the one that fully knows us. And so, there are some intentional choices that we make as we step into living the life that God wants us to live – even when it is not easy.

My hope and desire is that the freedom these women experience as they throw away the code of silence, doesn’t just exist for them, but that it becomes a part of their testimony of God’s goodness. There are so many women that have experienced pain in their sexuality and it is time to start talking. Healing happens when you speak it out loud with another and you take it to the foot of the cross and you surrender it. God wants women to be whole.

Have you broken the code of silence about sexual baggage and what difference has it made for you?

Ruth Buezis


Dealing with my baggage had a profound impact on my marriage. I dug deep into my past, remembering the pain, and speaking it out loud to my husband. Tears flowed as I shared what for years I had brushed off as “no big deal.” Years of silence no longer held power as I reflected on how I had allowed these past experiences to affect my present. I prayed for healing, I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for letting go and I prayed for freedom. Piece by piece, I dug up the stink, and every time God showed up.

Some of my baggage was child play – experiences which some might argue were completely innocent. But for whatever reason, these experiences had filled me with shame. Shame that had placed me in the virtual back corner of every room, just hoping to go unnoticed. No one knew -for over 40 years.  I remember while reading Kevin Leman’s Sheet Music out loud to my husband one night, he shared how many times wives share things with a counselor that they have never told their husband. I suddenly knew that he was talking about me and the floodgates opened. That night in my husband’s arms I shared about my child play experience and the shame that it filled me with. I had let silence hold so much power over my life and it was time to break down the walls.

Raised in a Christian church, as a teenager I had committed to wait until marriage to have sex, but years at college took me far from God. When I met my husband, I was still a virgin, but immediately fell head over heels in love with him. I knew that during a couple of serious relationships, he had been sexually active. So I decided if he was going to fall in love with me, I needed to have sex with him. All the years we were married, I resented him for the fact that I was not a virgin bride, and yet I was the one that had initiated sex. He never forced me or coerced me, I brought sex up. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I began questioning and wondering why he had not initiated or tried to coerce me. Did he really desire me or was I the consolation prize?

Now you need to know that I have the best husband in the world. He has never done anything to make me question whether he loves me. He has kept his eyes pure, he has always served me, loved me, encouraged me and provided for me. I let this baggage worm away in my head and question reality and truth. I had to confess my resentment to my husband, ask for forgiveness, and I had to pray to let go of my husband’s stuff.

Some things are harder to let go of than others – my husband’s past relationships – was probably the hardest. It was a choice to stop wondering, comparing and questioning whether he chose me or if I was a consolation prize. I had to consciously decide to believe my husband instead of letting my head spin wherever Satan would take it. But healing has come and it is amazing. My healing has also lead to my husband having more confidence in himself. He no longer has to tip toe around wondering if I will question and prickle and look for ulterior motives. I simply take him at his word. I believe him. And I trust him.

This renewed trust  has opened up doors that I never knew possible. I believe my husband when he adores my body and I love his eyes on me. I am confident in my own desires and know that when I share them it is an absolute thrill for him. My husband has even begun to talk about some of his baggage, because I am no longer hyper sensitive when he brings up his past. We freely share in bed – all kinds of delights and we delight in each other.

But most of all, God has shown up and in very real ways shown us the power of prayer. He is good.

How has dealing with your baggage changed your marriage?

Ruth Buezis



Laid Back

It is funny how just a slight twist can make a position feel so different.

One of the most successful positions for a woman to experience an orgasm during intercourse without any extra stimulation is Coital Alignment Technique, or CAT. I wrote about it in a post titled Positions and Movements, so here is an excerpt from that article.

CAT is really just a variation of missionary position.The man enters and then shifts his body up towards his wife’s head so that his shaft is actually wrapped over her vulva and across her clitoris. Instead of elevating his body with his arms, he lowers his body just enough so that he does not put too much weight on her. The motion is not a thrusting in and out of the penis, but a rocking up and down. You will need to play around to figure out what works well, so direct his movement by placing your hands on his butt or hips… Women that orgasm easier with their legs together can, one at leg at a time, shift their legs to the inside of their husbands. Some women enjoy the feeling of being fully pinned against the bed by not using a pillow under their head.

The small twist of a husband sliding the pillow out from under her head changes everything. It tilts her head back to more of an attitude of surrender. The mattress provides firm support as her husbands body gently sandwiches her. No longer able to see anything other than her husbands face, eyes lock eyes. Rocking becomes a sensual interchange of connection and disconnection.  As husband and wife focus  on where their bodies become one, pelvis’s engage and urge for more.



Wrapped Up

I have to be honest, this is not a position that I ever ask for – not because I don’t like it – but because I am too worn out to ask.  It is a position that my husband takes me when I am tired and over loaded – and he just wants to wrap me up and love me. In fact, usually when my husband wants to take me there, he has to insist on it. With his steady words and strong arms he has to convince me that he really does want to do this, and that it is ok for me to sit back and just relax. (If you haven’t figured it out yet, I have a really great husband.)

between-legsTo get into this position, the husband should pile up some pillows against the headboard of the bed. He can then sit with his back against the pillows, fairly upright with his legs spread apart. He can gently guide his wife to sit between his legs with her back resting against his chest. The wife’s body will need to be tucked in close so that his hands can reach all the way to her thighs. He can wrap his arms around her to gently stroke and warm up her body. He can nuzzle his face against her hair and neck to smell her. He can gently run his fingers up and down her arms, around her breasts and down her sides to her thighs. Eventually one of his hands can rest on her mound as he leisurely strolls his fingers through her garden. He can spend time just feeling her clitoris through stillness and slow movements as he warms her up. As her body begins to relax, she can let her head rest along one of his shoulders. The closeness and security of this position can lead to a different kind of experience that may be much less physical and seeking, but much more relaxing, surrendering and just letting it come. As she experiences pleasure, she can feel her body melt into her husbands and breathe deeply to let out the last ounce of tension. She can let her head drop back, or turn and find his lips as her husband tenderly loves her.

Ruth Buezis

Up Close and Personal

There came a time in my life when in order for me to believe that my husband loved all of me, I wanted him to actually see all of me – even my vulva. I wanted him to not just know my vulva with his hands or his mouth – but with his eyes.

There is a huge contrast between the typical experience of a woman touching a man, and a man touching a woman.

When a woman touches a man’s penis, it is completely normal for both husband and wife to watch what is happening – in fact I would say it is almost hard to ignore. It is like this show that demands their full attention until the fireworks fly.  It is mesmerizing and amazing and everyone knows it.

But when a man touches a women’s vulva, it is normal for both husband and wife to be completely visually disconnected from what is going on. He kisses her and embraces her, and secretly slips a hand between her legs. Nobody talks about it or looks and they barely acknowledge that it is happening besides the occasional uncomfortable attempt at guidance or direction. It is just some anonymous thing that happens between her legs, while the real attention is lavished in more acceptable places. There is no grand finale to be eagerly watched for or anticipated from her vulva, but it is the more subtle clues of ecstasy that are awaited.

Contrary to what is commonly believed, maybe mostly by ourselves, our bodies are amazing. And though changes during arousal are not as obvious, a careful student of his wife will notice engorgement, physical changes  and even color changes. So maybe sometimes a husband ought to enjoy the show up close and personal and give his wife a sensual play by play of the amazing show that he sees and feels.

Tell your wife that you want to get to know her body more and that you would like to watch as you arouse her with your hands and take her over the top. Set up soft lights, and warm the room to make her comfortable. Have her gently spread her legs as you kneel between them. Keep your free hand on her legs or body to hold her steady and connected. Take her in with your eyes as you work your magic with your hands.For variety try  a thumb or palm. Smile at her once in a while, voice your pleasure  as you enjoy her pleasure, and

let her know just how amazed you are.

Ruth Buezis